By Susan Liddy

What's your relating style? Are you bold and outspoken? Quick to defend your position and maybe even criticize a little bit? Or, are you the easygoing Pollyanna who puts on a happy face... avoids bringing up the "uglies" in your relationship because conflict makes you uncomfortable?

Relating with others is a delicate balancing act between having our own wants and needs fulfilled, and making sacrifices on behalf of the other person. In other words: relationships are about give and take. The line where things grow blurry is in the everyday exchanges we have with those we care about.

• When is it okay to say what we really feel - even if it's 'not 100% good news?'
• When is it better to "spare" the other person from our true thoughts and feelings, because exposing them might cause pain?
• Is it ever right to ask or expect someone to do things differently? Or is it true what some say -- that people never really change?

It is in our most challenging relationship moments that we get to learn about love, acceptance and life. Keeping this in mind will help us survive those "frustrating moments" and overcome communication barriers that can cause problems between us and the important people in our lives.

Part of the Aspire Life Coaching program covers what I call Honor Talks™ -- used to express your feelings, communicate boundaries and create closeness based upon understanding and acceptance.

Honor Talks™ can help to transform a complaint into the foundation to keep a relationship healthy. They can help us "clear the air" so that things don't become bottled up and lead to resentment - which is the biggest relationship killer of all!

Honor Talks™ really aren't about trying to change anyone. The majority of the time, we don't actually need people to change who they are or what they do. What we truly want, deep down, is to be understood and feel a sense of belonging. Honor Talks™ help us to be seen and heard, and to establish understanding in the relationship.

Sometimes behaviors will change as a result of an honor talk, yet it's important to not walk into the talk with this expectation.

Suggested format for having an Honor Talk™:

1. State your intention. Let the other person know WHY you feel the need to have this talk. Maybe it's to clear up a misunderstanding, create intimacy, address feelings, or reach a compromise.
2. Express gratitude. Tell the other person all the things about them that you appreciate. This creates a sense of safety within the relationship, and will keep the other person from becoming defensive during your conversation.
3. Speak your truth. This has to do with sharing how YOU feel instead of telling your partner what THEY do or don't do. For instance, you might want to say something like "You never listen!" but instead you could communicate that as "I don't always feel heard."
4. Listen and clarify. A huge part of Honor Talks is simply LISTENING - recognizing and acknowledging that the other person has their own perception of what's happening between you. Repeat back to them what you believe they are saying. Have them do the same for you.
5. Use affirming body language. Use your body to create a sense of closeness and connection. Make eye contact. Sit with your body facing your partner. Reach out and touch them gently during your talk.
6. Speak compassionately. It can be very uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of an Honor Talk. Use words that express understanding, caring and acceptance: "I know how you feel." "I see where you're coming from." "I didn't realize how much that might hurt your feelings."
7. Be accountable. Recognize that relationships are a two-way street! You are as much responsible for what's happening as the other person is. Own up.
8. Commit to resolution. This is about making agreements. Open your mind to ways that you can change and grow together, reach compromise, and improve your communication with each other.

Reality Check:

Today, notice how often you "suck it up" to avoid a conflict. In these moments, consider your feelings and thoughts.

Are you going into limiting negative beliefs in these moments?

Are you stuffing down feelings that will only come out later?

Are you actually building resentment and creating dis-ease in the relationship by not addressing it?

Fearless Integration:

Consider one of the irritations you "suck up."Take some time to process your feelings around the irritation.

Consider journaling or talking with a trusted friend:

• What is it that truly bothers you?
• What is it that you want and need?
• What is your accountability in the situation? What are you willing to give?

Consider how an Honor Talk™ could help the situation. Journal one out, even role play it with someone until you feel comfortable.

Schedule a time with the person you need to speak to, and then go for it! If you are feeling really nervous, it's okay to let that person know. This is an opportunity for you BOTH to discover a new and empowering way of communicating with one another. And, if you really can't bring yourself to do it in person, open the doors of communication in the form on an Honor Letter.

About the Author:

Susan Liddy, MA, PCC, CPCC is the founder of AspireLifeCoaching.org, a women's coaching organization whose mission is to empower women to aspire fearlessly. Susan's unique and groundbreaking life coaching programs teach women how to break through the fear and disempowerment that block them from who they are and accomplishing their goals.

To learn more about Susan Liddy and AspireLifeCoaching.org visit AspireLifeCoaching.org or call (408) 835-9908.

©2008 Susan Liddy, AspireLifeCoaching.org, All rights reserved.

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